


Not enough

by Sophie_The_Shipper



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 16:38:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14000232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophie_The_Shipper/pseuds/Sophie_The_Shipper
Summary: Leonard spent his whole life feeling like he wasn't enough. Is something going to be different this time or not?





	Not enough

**Author's Note:**

> Attention: Characters death.

**I don't own The Big Bang Theory or the characters.**

* * *

 

Leonard was done with everything. He was tired of people pretending to care for him and saying that he was worthless. So when he got a job offer in Caltech he took it without a second thought. Of course that when he was on the plane headed to California he started to overthink everything. He didn’t have a house, he wasn’t sure if he actually got the job - since it was between him and other 2 people - or knew anyone that lived there.

Once he left the plane he turned his phone on and realized he had a missed call. He called back and it made everything a little bit better – he got the job.

He was asked to go to Caltech and talk to the principal. He got in a taxi and headed to the meeting. Since it was his first time there he got lost and tried to find someone who could help him. Luckily as soon as he looked up from the paper he had with the information of the person he was meeting with – he was reading it over and over again, memorizing it and practicing the speech that he was going to say to the person who would help him find the principal’s office – he found two people. Two man: One was short, pale, skinny and the other was taller and bigger than the first one, with a darker skin tone as well. They were both wearing dorky clothes which made Leonard feel better about his own clothes. The second guy’s clothes reminded Leonard of the 80’s and he wondered for a second if that person owned a time machine and came from the past and write a book about it – that would be what Leonard would do. He always dreamed of writing a book. It would be amazing to write a book about time travelling that was based on real events.

He approached those weird people and presented himself.

“Hi. I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I need to get to an office but I don’t know where it is. Can you help me, please?”

“Oh.” They both say.

“What’s wrong?” Leonard’s anxiety hit high levels. ‘What did I do wrong?!’

“It’s just we don’t know this place that good. I don’t think we would be a good help. But where to go to?” One of them says.

“The principal’s office.”

“I know where that is!” The second guys says, clearly very proud of himself. That moment Leonard gets why he has clothes that seem from the past. He picks up an accent and realizes he might be a foreigner and doesn’t know that those clothes were from 20 years ago.

“You do? Great! Can you tell me where it is?”

“Sure. You know what? We can take you there.”

“Oh. It’s okay I don’t want to bother.”

“Nonsense! We can help. Look, I’m Rajesh Koothrappali but everyone calls me Raj. This is Howard Wolowitz.  I’m an astrophysicist and he’s an engineer. What about you?”

“I’m an experimental physicist.” They continued talking until they reached the principal’s office.

“Well this is it!” Howard says

“Thanks for taking me here. I appreciate it. I’m sorry for trouble.”

“No problem.” Howard says

They exchanged numbers and the two left.

‘Weird people. Just my type!’ Leonard smiles.

He gets in and everything is solved. He has a job, met two people. Everything was getting together. But he still didn’t know where he was staying. Remembering of a board filled with papers while he was trying to find the office, he heads there hoping there was something. It was in a great location, close to restaurants, to the University. And he wouldn’t pay everything since he would have a roommate.

He takes the little paper with the contact and calls.

“Yes?”

“Hi! This Leonard Hofstadter. I’m calling because of the apartment?”

“Are you asking me if you’re calling because of the apartment?”

“What? No, I’m saying I’m calling because of the apartment.”

“Then I suggest you say ‘I’m calling because of the apartment’ instead of ‘. I’m calling because of the apartment?’. The second phrase sounded like a question.”

‘Weird guy. Is this what LA is? Weird people everywhere?’

“Ok. Is the apartment still available?”

“Yes.”

“Can I see it?”

“Sure. But before I need to ask. What do you for a living?”

“I’m an experimental physicist. I’m going to work at Caltech”

“I didn’t ask where you were going to work at. But you work at Caltech. Very well. Next question. Do you smoke or use drugs?”

Leonard took time to answer this question. ‘This guy is really eccentric. If I tell the truth he won’t allow me to live in this apartment.’ He looked at the board again. All the other apartments were far from the University and more expensive.

“I don’t.” Leonard lied

“Very well then. You get to come visit the apartment.”

“Great. Thank you!” Leonard said excitedly and hung up. Things were finally getting together.

* * *

 

He was spending all his days working and then coming home, the comic book store and the movies. His life kind of fell into a routine. But even after 4 years none of his friends found about his addiction. He made sure to take a bath and hide his arms with long sleeves. All of his nights, after Sheldon had gone to bed, were spent in his room hurting himself. He didn’t hate himself but at the same time he did. He hated the fact that he wasn’t enough and that he was a short, pathetic and nerdy guy – that being said to him a lot from girls. He used to sneak out of the apartment and get drunk in bars. When he was drunk enough he tried to flirt with girls. But he wasn’t that good and ended up hating himself even more. It was even worse when those girls left with tall and muscled man.

He would drive home drunk hoping he would get into an accident and lose his life.

That was everyday life for him. He fell into a routine. And not a good one.

Everything changed on the September 24th of 2007. The day he met the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Of course she took him as a friend. And then they became best friends. It was good for Leonard that he had someone that wasn’t a nerd as a friend. She was nice to him – without seeming a pity – and even tried to understand what they did. He became her Sheldon dictionary and she made Leonard stop thinking of moving out – but she didn’t know about that.

They eventually dated and Leonard was trying to get his act together. Of course he wasn’t going to change overnight but he finally had a reason to live.

When they broke up Leonard tried to keep being clean. He didn’t succeed. It didn’t help that he saw her every day and while she had other guys to keep her from thinking about her break up with Leonard, he had alcohol, drugs and other bad things. Then he had his ‘friends’. They kept saying that the break up was meant to be and he would be alone forever.

Then Prya came to his life. He knew she was making Penny jealous. He didn’t want to her Penny but he wanted her to know how much it hurt him to see her with other guys after their break up. Prya was the only one that knew about his ‘stuff’ and she tried to help. Whenever they were alone she tried to make him stop. When he woke up with nightmares in the middle of the night she made sure he would talk to her. If he said nothing she knew that he would freak out the next day and do bad things to himself. She would say sweet words in his ears so he would fall asleep.

When she moved to India and they broke up Leonard had no one to help him and he fell off the wagon again.

He was alone for a while. He felt like the person that years before came to LA. He was scared, felt homeless and wanted to quit his job. He also felt like he didn’t have friends. But that was his fault. He had slept with Raj’s sister so Raj was mad. Howard was on Raj’s side and Bernadette and Amy didn’t really care. Neither did Sheldon. Penny was Penny, acting like everything was okay but on the inside Leonard knew she was glad Prya was out of the picture. She had no idea how much Prya helped him and how he probably wouldn’t be there if Prya wasn’t in his life. Penny saved him in 2007, gave him a goal of some sort, he tried to get her.

He felt like a failure. That made him feel bad. He thought of his old best friend as a price. That wasn’t right. ‘It’s not her fault you are like this’

When she said yes to go on a date with him and try a relationship Leonard was happy and scared. Happy since she said ‘yes’ to try to be with him again and scared because he was afraid she would leave him. Again.

But through the years she showed she wasn’t going to make the same thing again. When they got engaged he thought nothing could wrong. ~

They decided to go to Vegas and get married but he had to screw things up by saying he had cheated. They still went through the wedding and got married. They fought on the car on the way ‘home’. It didn’t feel home to Leonard anymore. He felt awful and got drunk. They made up but they both were thinking if they were making a mistake.

Bernadette and Howard were having their second baby, Sheldon and Amy were engaged and plaining their wedding and Raj got a girlfriend. Everyone was moving on with their life but Leonard and Penny. They were the same place they were since they got married the only difference being that they living together and without Sheldon.

The fact that Penny just wanted to make a trip with him instead of something that would actually change their life and change their life was devastating. He wanted a child, someone that would call him ‘Dad’ and prove that he wasn’t just a waste of space.

Their life got worse when Raj moved to India and Howard and Bernadette had their second child. When Sheldon and Amy moved out of the building and went to a house, that was Leonard’s breaking point. He thought of mentioning having a child to Penny but over the years he got tired of hearing her say no.

He took a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and went to his desk. He filled a glass and started to write a letter.

 

_I grew up thinking I wasn’t enough. It didn’t help that people kept pointing that out and I hated myself. I used to take pills from my Mother’s office. By the time I was 13 I tried to commit suicide through overdose twice but it never worked. I guess I’m a failure to even take my own life._  
I came to Los Angeles thinking things would change. I got better and worse, I had multiple relationships, I finally had friends, I had a job and a roof over my head. For some reason I wasn’t happy. Not the way my mind wanted because I was still having negative thoughts and still hated myself and I wasn’t happy with who I became.   
I’m married to an amazing woman who I know that loves me for who I am. But I just don’t get why she does. I guess that I overthink things so I keep asking myself why someone so amazing and beautiful like her would be with someone has me. Over the years I asked myself this question not knowing the answer.   
The only constant in my life was Sheldon. Even after everything I did he was there. He either lived with me or in front of me. I never had much trouble to get to him and I thought he would never leave. I always wanted him to leave but now that it happened I want him back. I get that he has Amy now and he will soon have a child but I miss him.   
I miss having everyone together for dinner. I miss those moments. A lot. Right now there’s only me and Penny. Raj would have a place to sit at and he wouldn’t need to sit at the couch.   
I don’t enjoy going to work anymore. Everything fell apart. Raj doesn’t work there anymore, Sheldon is working from home and Howard has new friends. I guess I was forgotten. I used to be okay with it. It happened all the time while I grew up.   
Things at home aren’t good anymore. Penny leaves to work earlier and comes home late. Every time I mention ‘kids’ or ‘moving to a house’ we get into a fight.  
Maybe without me in the picture she will be with someone else and be happier. I think I won’t be missed. 

_It was nice to know all of you. Good luck with your life. I want you all to know I love you._

_Love,_

_Leonard Hofstadter._

He put the letter into an envelope and drank the rest of the bottle. Stumbling into the bathroom he got some pills and drank them away with alcohol. He then went to his room where he got himself under the covers and whispered his last words:

“What’s wrong with me?”

He then fell into a never ending sleep.

* * *

 

Penny got home. She didn’t have a good day at work and she just wanted to change into Leonard’s hoodie and some leggings and cuddle with her husband on the couch. She sees a letter on top of the computer and opened it. She read it all. Panic grew more and more as she read it. When she got to the end she yelled his name. Not having a response she ran to the bathroom opening it to realize that the cabinet with the pills was opened and there were flasks on the ground completely empty. She opened the door to Sheldon’s room seeing it empty. When she opened the last door to that corridor she saw him asleep. At first she breath out thinking he just fell asleep.

‘Maybe that letter is nothing.’

She went next to him and put her hand in his cheek. It was cold. Panic was set again when she realized he wasn’t breathing. She called 911. He went to the hospital where he was pronounced dead…

* * *

 

 The gang gathered around at the apartment. Raj came from India with his fiancée. Howard and Bernadette went there, leaving Halley and Archie – that being short for Archer – with their grandparents.  Sheldon and Amy also came. They all read the letter one at a time, crying when they were handed the letter, while reading it and when they were giving it to the next person. Penny was sitting on ‘Leonard’s chair’ with one of his hoodies on trying not to cry.

They all went to the funeral and talked about Leonard. How they met, how he changed their life. They all regretted not being together from time to time. Time changes people but they were all friends.

Penny didn’t cry. She had to constantly ask to be alone but no one had allowed her that.

When they all went back to their life she finally had some alone time. She watched old videos she and Leonard had made and watched his favorite movies. She didn’t eat and didn’t talk to anyone. She kept asking why he had done it even though she knew the reason. She always thought he was happy and she didn’t realize he felt like that. She was mad at herself.

She decided to clean the entire house. She started on the living room. Everything got into boxes. Leonard’s collectibles, his light saber, his books. Everything was in boxes.

She then moved into the bedroom and did the same thing. She stopped from time to time and looked at pictures. She remembered all the moments and she searching in her memories where it all fell apart. She then went to the bathroom where she took a box and took everything out of the cabinets and got them into a box.

She then changed to her favorite hoodie – that of course belonged to Leonard - went to the room where she fell asleep peacefully for the first time since his death.

They laid together again. Never missing each other again. Where no one or anything would pull the apart. The gang visited them a lot. On their birthday, the birthday of their wedding, Christmas, Thanksgiving. They were missed.

* * *

 

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